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Bittersweet

He was at a disadvantage from the start. I knew it was coming shortly after we said “We go together.” A temporary forever, because they never lasted. Some ended as they should, others due to my ability to quickly ruin the good in my life.  I would like to say it was him and I was in no way to blame, but I would just be lying to myself.

There was a genuine friendship at first. Ok I should amend that. He was an objective party and never judged my crazy randomness, laughed at my clownery and generally enjoyed my company. After a date or two and almost a year of “talking” and mild flirtation he suggested a relationship. I ignored this suggestion three times, until I thought it was a good idea.  This should have red flagged me, but he was determined.  There were several tests most of which he passed with flying colors. Who wouldn’t love a guy that was cool with my near nervous breakdown and dramatic visit to PEZ? Who wouldn’t love the guy that accepted my “present state of affairs”?  He accepted the fact my son could not be trusted with just any sitter, paranoid and over protective me would only leave him with certain people. His acceptance took us to places like “the park” and Friendly’s. The list goes on as to why I should have been madly deeply in love with this person.  I have come to the conclusion that whatever mental illness (I’m only 80% convinced that it’s JUST Bi-polar disorder) afflicts me, will not allow me to have a meaningful relationship.  Un-medicated I am  all over the place unable to focus and invest in making it work, when I am on meds I am so unconcerned that the BS that I should be upset about rarely bothers me.(He is not a saint, but I just do not care enough to dwell.)

My friends have sympathized for the most part. Mainly because I told all two of them my side of the story and only the bits and pieces that do not make me look like a jackass. Now that I think about it they know I am nuts and my reasoning is just flight of an uncomfortable situation. The one thing they are in agreement is that he is not “the one”, which soothes my conscious to a certain extent.

The only thing that may have led up to the demise of this relationship is my “present state of affairs” which is a different blog for a different day. (I need to prepare for the emotional drainage  that will ensue when I write about and share this) I understand there is nothing he can do; this is a situation I have to save myself from. I still resent the fact that it does not eat away at him keep him up at night with worry. He is supportive but it is still not enough. Unceremoniously I ended it via text. (I was informed by Meek Breezy, one of my oldest and dearest friends that I cannot break up via text “because you’re not in the seventh grade!” But what’s done is done.)   I will not expose him or me, but the text basically said “We don’t go together anymore.” His response? “Ok” (Why I cannot love this man is still a mystery to me.)

Here is the telling part of this whole scenario.  Sending that text brought a wave of relief and one of despair. Why am I always so conflicted in my decisions? Sane me says to suck it up and move on. Other me wants to throw herself across the bed and weep. I’ll do neither this week. I’m in emotional limbo about everything else why not add one more thing to the pile.

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