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But I Like Ice Cream and Cheese

“You may be lactose intolerant. You should consider changing your diet.”

This was met with a blank stare. ” But I like ice cream and cheese.”

I think my doctor begin to give me a list of substitutions etc.  I tuned him out. This was just too life changing. Dairy WAS my life. Ice cream had gotten me through so many of life’s  turmoil. As my mind normally does it raced through a list of things that I could no longer eat. It sounds dramatic, I know., but for someone with serious food aversions and issues, taking out a HUGE percentage of foods I’ll actually touch is a MAJOR deal.

I was planning my next trip to Amish Country for Pete’s sake! I had even  researched Farmer’s Almanac to gauge a day not too hot and balmy enough that I could get away with no jacket.  I was on the fence about The Royals tagging along. Animal farms and buggy rides were not on the agenda. The Tour of Cheese was to take up a whole day. I was planning to go hungry so I could sample cheese and eat fudge to my heart’s content. Amish Country is Dairy Artery Clogging fun land. Everything is based on cheese butter and milk. They don’t have gluten-free dairy free stuff. I checked. I lied. I didn’t check and I’m not going to. I also had dreams of Hershey PA. Milk chocolate is a big part of my diet. The word “milk” now poses a problem?

I walked away from that appointment quite dejected with tears in my eyes. Yeah tears.  I tried to remember that I had shown up with severe stomach pains that had persisted for quite some time. I needed relief immediately. I was kind of desperate for relief. But no dairy?  My mind wandered again. I thought of the other times I’d changed my diet. Most times being just because I was bored or emotional.

There was the summer  I lived off of Twizzler’s and Oreo’s for a week. This happened mainly because transitions which is a fancy word for changes freak me out (another blog for another day), and my foster parents weren’t great at putting their foot down. I went through a lot to end up in foster care so they let me be for the most part. In that same summer I swore off meat. My new family lived in the country and they would eat anything. Ok tad dramatic, but the thought of freshly killed animal was just horrific.  I was sent to the deep freezer to fetch dinner and noticed that meat didn’t come from the grocery store. I was too much of a city girl to deal with that. My vegan aka junk food diet ended once I got back to civilization.

There was the time I lived off of Dexatrim and water. Someone had called me fat and this was before the self-love. These were dark times.

I had tried just meat and no carbs. That was sickening and short-lived.

A day of the Cabbage Soup Diet kept me on the toilet for two days.  My grandmother still swears by this diet and she gets the side eye every time she suggests it now.

The Manic Diet consists of crying, chain-smoking and hydration from Polar pops. This diet is periodic and can last 2-3 days at a time.

I tried a diet where you substituted all of the fatty things used in cooking with a healthy alternative. Example; You would substitute 2 tsp of butter with something gross, expensive and hard to find. The word hard let’s you know how long that diet lasted.

I thought about the seafood diet because some chick swore that she had lost 30 pounds in 30 days. Then I remembered I have a food aversion. The list of foods that I can’t or won’t eat and the reasons why is extensive. In context anything that smells funny is out. The seafood department in the grocery store makes my stomach turn.

I tried gluten-free. My son has ADHD, and gluten can also  affect some of my own issues. This is going to sound really bad. Judge me harshly if you must. This diet ended because Trader Joe’s is far, buying gluten-free from anywhere else is expensive and because of my food thingy my food options were limited to about six things.

When I was pregnant I lived off of saltines and ginger ale the first weeks. After morning sickness went away I realized this was the opportunity to abandon all diets. My fatness would be excused. In my first pregnancy (to this day I still swear this wrecked my body) I craved anything saucy, cheesy or creamy. In my second it was steak, my one glass of wine a day, and caffeine. I battled this craving but usually gave in to at least one Pepsi a day. For some reason I craved Granny Smith apples too.

After the babies, way after there was the diabetic scare. I refused to be that chick on insulin and quite frankly pricking my finger three times a day was a pain in the ass.  I changed everything about the way I was eating. I lost weight and stop pricking my finger it was that simple.

I was engaged to a Seventh Day Adventist. That diet was an adventure.  “Seventh-day Adventists present a health message that recommends vegetarianism and condones abstinence from pork, shellfish, and other foods proscribed as “unclean” in Leviticus. Alcohol and tobacco are also prohibited.” -www.religionfacts.com My ex always made it clear that he would work around whatever I wanted to cook. I believe myself to be tolerant and respectful and I could not and would not let him work all day and come home to a crap dinner. Cooking two different meals was out so I adjusted to his diet. I have to say those weren’t the worse dietary restrictions. I didn’t mind shopping at the Kosher Kroger’s, or not eating pork. Most of the things he couldn’t eat I wouldn’t eat any way, so it worked.

So I had tried all of these diets. Refraining from my beloved dairy should be easy right? The problem was even if I didn’t eat a year’s worth of ice cream in one night, or didn’t cheese everything up,  I still got unbelievable cramps. Milk smells funny so I never drink it, and we won’t even talk about yogurt. So the dairy was coming from unknown sources, like possibly everything I eat.  One of my sisters said it best;

“You’re so dramatic. You over think everything. You’re NOT lactose intolerant fool.” Well since she had put it so eloquently…. there was no diet change. Whole pints of ice cream just stopped disappearing so frequently.

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