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Addictions and Horrible Chicken Sauce

sauceI am a commercial junkie I can admit it. I secretly watch infomercials and lust after overpriced vacuums and juicers.  If no one is around I’ll watch QVC happily for hours. The Super Bowl is Commercial Christmas for me. Maybe it’s because I’m addicted to retail? I’ve been a professional shopper my whole entire life. I remember being held hostage in Kauffman’s, Penney’ and Dillard’s for what seemed like days at a time while Grandma and Aunt Ginger looked for the perfect dresses for little girls with hundreds of those things.
Shopping definitely delivers a high like no other. Unlike other drugs you able to emulate your first hit ever. For me I can spend 2.00 or 200.00 and still get that feeling.  I can get my fix at the thrift store or the mall it does not matter. As I write this I’m plotting my next therapy session. I heard Urban Decay and Ulta are having great sales. Anti-depressants would definitely be cheaper than this habit of mine.

I’m at my worst in Wal-Mart and this is where this story really begins. My addiction to Wally World is ridiculous. I have been known to walk every aisle in search for some useless item I think I may need at a later date. I own every item in some departments I can always count on Wal-Mart to have all the things I’ve seen on commercials and even things I haven’t seen. I am the snack guru. If it’s new and falls into the parameter of things I eat, I’ll buy it. I’ll buy it if it comes in a neat package. Basically if it’s at Wal-Mart, I’ll buy it. If it’s on a nifty end cap I’m buying two. This is how the chicken thing happened.

Right before Easter, my mother and I were in Wal-Mart. My mother is addicted to retail as well but has made it her duty to police my addiction and be the voice of reason when I want to buy stupid things. So anyway. We were grocery shopping when I came across it. I had never seen it before. That meant I had to buy it. My mom made me put it down. But I remembered that State Fair Chicken Sauce. I read the label and imagined all the terrific things I would create with it. I like chicken and I like sauce. It’s got to be a win win. Fast forward to a few weeks later.

I’m clowning in Wal-Mart with Kianna. We’re having Sunday dinner together and of course I have none of the ingredients needed to make the items on the menu. We happen to be in the condiment aisle and I remember the Chicken Sauce. Kianna attempts to discourage this purchase but I’m determined to make tasty chicken immersed in what has to be great Chicken Sauce. I grabbed two bottles and a 7.00 bag of chicken breast. At this point Kianna still has the stank face but it’s not on the menu for today so she’ll allow it.

My plan is to marinate the chicken on Sunday and make it on Monday, but another kitchen tragedy distracted me. I was also distracted on Monday. Well on Tuesday I was having a dinner guest. I looked in the freezer. Nothing there. Then I remembered the chicken in the fridge and the wonderful Chicken Sauce. The bottle said 24 hours. This directive was promptly ignored. I washed my chicken and threw it in a bowl, I poured the sauce on top and waited. I’m not sure what I was waiting for. Maybe until it was room temperature?  My guest was due in an hour so I did the next best thing I dumped the whole concoction in a baking pan. I noticed that this sauce smelled really strong. It smelled like the concoction you make to baste your meat with when you’re barbequing. This is usually the time I call my dad for help, but with him being at work I know the chances of him being able to answer were slim. I pulled out some seasonings and cut up some sweet onions and added minced garlic. The stench is still kind of unreal.

I cooked this “masterpiece” on low for a while. I peeked in the oven at about the time I thought the chicken should be done. I added some ketchup (The Chicken Sauce bottle said to) and turned the oven on broil and waited. After about 20 minutes of trying with this chicken I gave up and eventually removed it from the oven. It smelled funny and looked funny. Let’s not forget I had a dinner guest coming. I tasted it. It wasn’t horrid but it wasn’t great.

I didn’t have time to defrost and make and alternative. I would have to serve the Chicken sauce chicken and hope for the best.

My guest was too kind to tell me it was awful and my culinary skills are now in question. It was the elephant in the room though. I really want to say I learned something from the Chicken Sauce shenanigans. Well I did. But it’s not the obvious lesson of stop buying products because they’re shiny, new and unchartered. The only thing I really learned is to only make things that I know I can cook when having guests. I already knew that though, so maybe I really didn’t learn anything,

I’ll be at Ulta if you need me.

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