My entries have been upbeat as I can make them and hopefully encouraging but I can’t today.
About an hour or two ago I had a severe mood swing. I felt it hit and it hit fast. It’s one of those things where I hope that I’m just having a bad day or that it’s just PMS.
I’m restless. I’m sad. I want to sleep. I can’t sleep. I need a distraction. I want to be alone. Everything is irritating me.
I went to bed late because I know now that I have more than likely built up a tolerance to my sleep meds. I woke up worrying about some side effects that I think that I’m having. Before I go on let me say this:
You are in control of your own well-being. Be proactive. Be aggressive.
I thought that I had the perfect combination of drugs in the proper dosages. I have had so many good days that today is disheartening. My combination is wrong (DO NOT THROW YOUR MED GUIDES AWAY. READ THEM.) And I’ve definitely been instructed incorrectly on usage. I suspect that another medication I’m waiting on a PA for should not have been prescribed at all. I feel helpless at this point.
I’m not a medical professional but I can read. If I can read about possible side effects and know that certain medications should not be mixed, why isn’t my doctor doing the research? I’m angry but too drained to even call to fuss and cuss. I know one thing for sure; my general practitioner will no longer be trusted for my mental health care. There are far too many risks and too many things to take into consideration. My mental health is too fragile to play the guessing game much longer.
I am frustrated because I’ve been on 1 psychiatrist’s waiting list for a year and blew off by many others. I was lazy. I stopped trying because it was easier to go to my family doctor to get the medications I thought I needed. Bad move.
Since Monday (weigh in day) I have not been doing great on the whole diet/lifestyle change thing. I have not been overeating but I have been starving myself without meaning to. Today I don’t care. I needed some comfort. I am proud of myself. Even though I just ate a bunch of trash I’m conscious about it. I still stopped when I was full and the rest of this nonsense is sitting beside me getting cold.
I have about 2 hours before school is dismissed. I’m going to write and get my emotions under control before mommy duty commences. I hope everyone else is having a great day.