I counted down the New Year with everyone else. I was excited to bring in the New Year but one thing I would not do is list a bunch of resolutions that I would be bored with and not doing in a week’s time. I am really not here for the New Year New Me, Tom Foolery. Self-improvement should be a continuous evolution. I don’t need a new year for changes. I instead took some time to reflect on the changes I started in 2013.
I decided to lose weight. I have never been ashamed of being the chubby girl or BBW. I am ashamed of how unfit and unhealthy I had become. I think I was the largest I have ever been. The pride was gone and I was tired of pretending that I wasn’t miserable. I set out to lose weight and I was down almost 40 pounds in the first 6 weeks or so. I hit a road block a couple of months ago and I’m scared of the scale but still determined to be at goal weight by September 2014. I still have a marathon to run. : )
I took the time out to choose a path. I guess most of us want to make money and have some stashed away for rainy days. Been there done that. I like event planning well enough but I had to admit to myself that it’s not my passion. I don’t want to spend long hours in Business Management classes, or advertising. If I’m going to be broke despite hustling I need some satisfaction. My first passion has always been writing. I don’t remember a time I haven’t written. I dove into a couple of projects head first and I haven’t looked back. I may never make a dime. I’m fine with that. I won’t know unless I try. All these days spent at Panera cannot go to waste.
Accepting the fact that I suffer from severe depression and Bi Polar disorder was a major step for me. That admission was like a breath of fresh air. I don’t feel like I’m hiding because I’m not grasping for excuses as to why I want/need to be left the hell alone at times. Being honest with myself made it so much easier to get help.
I’m not ready to lie on anybody’s couch and talk about old demons, but being medicated makes a huge difference. This journey also opened my eyes to how difficult it is for people with mental illness to get the treatment they need either due to costs or stigmatisms. This made my resolve to get the help I needed even stronger. During Mental Illness Awareness Month (May) I plan to blog for the duration. I’m tired of being ashamed.
This acceptance also brought some other things to light for me. In the next few weeks I’ll blog about forgiveness, apologizing, love, and letting go.
I didn’t end my year as strong as I wanted. Some of my relationships are still rocky at best. I’m currently avoiding the scale. I don’t have this breath taking manuscript to shop. I’m sure there will be plenty of days when mental illness will seemingly take its toll and I will have to coax myself from the figurative ledge but I feel good about this year, resolutions or not.