I am a lover of love. I love the idea of love. I love being in love. I especially love the butterflies that I get when I am in love. I fall fast and hard and I love passionately. The following is so fitting when it comes to me:
A writing exercise caused me realize that I have been in pursuit of love my whole entire life. This exercise asked me to list my favorite books from childhood and the reasons that I liked them. All of the books that I had listed were full of love.
There were books about true sisterly bonds and friendships and seemingly dysfunctional families that loved each other despite everything. When I was old enough to understand romantic love, I devoured those types of books and longed for my own fairytale. I wanted it ever since.
I’ve come close a few times but I could never hold on. I used to think, maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, or successful. I had to check myself especially after I started my journey to mental health. Spending all of this time pursuing the perfect love, I forgot one thing.
I would like to believe that being in love with love has never left me delusional, or vulnerable to BS, lies, deception, heartbreak, and heartache. Sometimes I would like to believe that I’m not jaded or cynical when it comes to love. I may be in denial about the walls that I’ve built to protect my feelings and the heart that has been through so much. But every time I stop construction to let someone in, I regret it.
My reflections (because I still refuse to say resolutions) brought a conclusion that my heart is still struggling to process. Am I ready for a fairy tale type of love or any type of commitment for that matter? I have to honestly say no. I’m selfish and I need my space to write and enjoy the new found me.
I’ve seen some things in the past couple of weeks that are kind of disturbing. I’m not looking at these posts or stories as being particularly scandalous I’m more worried than anything. Part of being mentally fit is full disclosure. Not what someone discloses to you, but what you accept as truth.
I’m not judging any of these couples but maybe it’s time to take a step back and think about what a farce of a relationship is doing to your mental state. Maybe your relationship is more toxic than you think. Maybe the relationship is toxic because of dishonesty and lack of communication but how much of that could be eliminated with being honest with yourself?
Here’s my challenge of 2014. Stop lying about your relationship status. If you’re not in a committed relationship, stop saying it’s complicated. Labeling your relationship as complicated seems to be an emotional crutch for most. Either you’re in a relationship or you’re not.
It’s perfectly all right to say “I have a long standing booty call that I’m comfortable with” Stop attempting to make a relationship based on sex more then what it is either to yourself or in the public eye.
Be honest about your marital status. If you’re not married just say that you’re living with someone. Labeling them as a spouse? Please stop. If you’re separated but dating admit that.
Even admit that maybe you love somebody more then they love you. But please stop saying it’s complicated.
Just some food for thought. Be well.