I’ve been scared of the scale since late October. I can see the weight gain in my face. I’m at one of my favorite stores twice this week and there is a scale. The first day I walk past it. I ignore it like an enemy I would pass without speaking to on the street. Then it’s the moment of truth. I’ve finished my grocery shopping and I’ve bought all the right things but now I need to see just how far I am from goal weight. I take a deep breath and step on…
I am like the back sliding church member when it comes to dieting and my mental health. I have my ups and downs like most people in this struggle. I want to give up and I am way too hard on myself.
My back slide started when I stopped exercising. Then I thought that I could have one cheat day. The cheat days turned into weeks. I stopped my food prep and started eating more of whatever I wanted. My weight loss was put on a back burner like so many of my projects. I still kept the need to be healthier in the back of my mind.
I was determined not to let the holidays get me. I was down almost 40 pounds. Who starts pigging out on Halloween? Unfortunately, I did. Once again, I was set back by emotions. There was an incident which also brought on a period of comfort eating. I used that as an excuse to take a break. I abandoned many of the habits I started and reverted to my old ways. I kept thinking to myself. “I’ll get back on track on Monday.” That Monday came and went. Even after I started feeling gross again I kept letting the Mondays pass. I let nice days go wasted instead of exercising as much as I could.
Worst yet, I forgot my meds a day or 2 in a row. Then I started ignoring my med reminder altogether. The alarm became like the annoying voice mail icon but I didn’t mute the alarm or turn it off because deep down I knew I needed the nagging reminder. I started taking them again last week. I need some normalcy in my life. I need to feel like I’m going to make it. I need them to flow back through my system before the feeling of hopelessness kicks in. I never want to feel like death is better than life again
So here I am midway through the first week of the New Year and about 6 months away from my deadline for goal weight. Although I’m not completely back on track I am optimistic.
I open my eyes and look at the number. I have gained weight but it isn’t as bad as I thought. I sigh and push my cart out of the store. Two pounds every week I can do this.