About 2 weeks ago, someone asked me about my progress. I had been somewhat diligent about documenting my journey to better physical and mental health in my Confessions posts and then I just sort of fell off.
I didn’t really have an answer that I was ready to share at the time. I think I may have changed the subject to avoid answering. But I should answer. I promised myself and the readers of this particular series that I would be brutally honest and I will but I have to say this; I was/am scared.
I didn’t know how to explain how with every ray of sunshine, sometimes there is 10 times more pain. I didn’t know how to tell y’all that every pound that I lost was a battle that I wasn’t always prepared to fight. Then I saw this:
My emergence is just as painful as my mental illness. To heal, I have to peel back the scabs to get to the hurt and I don’t want to. I don’t want to self-destruct to self-construct. Demolition feels like hell. I haven’t posted any updates because there wasn’t anything that I was proud of.
I’ve gained back a good portion of the weight I lost initially. I stood on the scale for the first time in months and wanted to cry which leads me to….
As far as my mental health, all I can say is I’m a great actor. I always have been. I smile and laugh pretending that I’m okay but the reality of it is I’m still on a downward spiral. I was to the point where I was barely leaving my house or sleeping.
The worst part of these past couple of months is that there are days that I really don’t want to be their mother. Never mistake that statement for me not loving them because if I don’t love anybody or anything else more than I love them. I love them with all of me. But I do let my mind drift to that dark place whereas before I was pulling myself back from the ledge thinking about them. I know that my bullshit is affecting my son. (I’ll talk about that in another post.) So I feel guilty on top of everything else.
Right now I’m having what I like to call neutral days because I’m not high or low I’m able to function and that is all I really need for right now. Not all things in my life are terrible. I got some exciting news the other day and I cannot wait to share it.
Hopefully I’ll be on track soon. At the very least my moods will be stabilized and I can function. As always be well.