It’s been a month and few days. Most days I’m just numb. I can’t predict when I’ll be over PTSD. I can’t predict when instead of depression I’ll finally be optimistic about life. I can’t promise there will be no more thoughts of death. What I can do is refuse to let anyone dictate how I should feel about things. If I have to own and acknowledge the trauma, I damn sure get to wallow in my misery and feel this pain as intensely as I please.
For the most part people have been great but after awhile people started running out of the right things to say. Rape and/or sexual assault isn’t as absolute as say,death.
We know what comforting things to murmur and the appropriate times to indulge the surviving. It’s easy to fry the chicken, assemble the casseroles, and call the florist. We pay our respects eventually detaching from the mourning process. Death is natural. Perhaps tragic at times, yet still natural. Death we can do.
Here’s the thing victims of sexual assault and rape aren’t afforded death’s busy work. There isn’t a to do list of things to do before the emotional turmoil is over.
I have a lot of really great days. I feel okay. I’m starting to look better. Therapy is awesome. Instead of remembering I want to push myself to forget. I want this all to over. It just doesn’t work like that.
People tend to think it does though. I call those people “soon to be ex friends.” Some of the insensitivity I’ve seen is mind blowing. I get that nobody wants to hear about nor do I want to rehash this assault over and over. For me it’s only been a month for the people around me it’s been a month. It hurts when people fail to validate my feelings.
The attitude is very ” well anyways…” Well anyways, I’m not ready to sweep this under the rug. I’m not ready to stop feeling any of the feelings I’m entitled to. Yes, life must go on but the kinks have to be worked out along the way. So…
Dear Loved Ones,
Yes, there will be more unapologetic refusals. Invitations and requests for favors are included in this.
You certainly have every right to move on and have nothing more to say on the matter of my assault. There are no hard feelings. I get it. I may stop talking to you all together please be just as understanding.
If you subscribe to any form of rape culture, especially victim blaming, let’s part ways now. That goes for the gossip mongers and anyone, including family perpetuating negativity.
Unfortunately, I can’t “well anyways” the aftermath of what happened to me away. I won’t even attempt to for the comfort of others.
All I can really do is survive.
***UPDATE***
It’s been a year and I survived! There are still horrible days but I decided that I couldn’t just sit around and be a victim. I got involved with my community. I started telling my story in an attempt to make a terrible experience a little less heartbreaking for others and I’m working to get an advocacy group running for underserved victims of color that live in communities that are generally ignored. If you would like more information, would like to make a donation, or volunteer fill out the form below.
She Writes 