I think about it a lot by not thinking about it at all. Long gone are the days of me obsessing about things that I can’t remember, feeling guilty about things I should have done differently, being unable to leave the house, and being bitter about everything in life.
I think about it and obsess without really thinking about it all. Two trauma anniversaries have passed without me so much as acknowledging them to myself. For 2 anniversaries I have refused to engage in any form of self pity.
I’m a survivor. Survivors don’t dwell. Hell, I’ve moved on like a champ. I found love, I have a loving husband, I’m not on my sister’s couch, and I’m not wondering when the next break down is coming. I don’t deserve to be sad, or continue grieving. And, that’s how I think about it a lot by not thinking about it all.
Today I have to think about it. Something simple triggered a lot of emotions that I’ve compartmentalized for the sake of my mental health and being able to live a life without having to attach “trauma survivor.” My emotions are all over the place as is normal for PMS, but on top of that I know my trauma anniversary passed, and there are some other things going on that I’m emotional about.
My soother of choice is retail therapy, which I choose over food (this in itself is a whole ‘nother blog.) As I’m pulling up to my retail therapist of choice I’m also having a phone conversation that has me shedding some unplanned tears. I brush them away angrily because I have expectations of these emotional compartmental walls. I expect them to hold no matter what.
A planner is my trigger. The craft store that I thought I’d find relief in is my very undoing today. Another planner. Another attempt to compartmentalize bits and pieces of my life. A way for me to convince myself that I have it all together. I can deal with trauma, teenaged children, a very new marriage, and failing visions and dreams if I can write them down in a nice, neat, organized manner.
My trigger is a planner. I remember the very first planner I got after my incident. A planner that started the planner craze for me. It was $30. I couldn’t afford it but I told my trauma story and “won” it from the company. Surprisingly that planner was a comfort and it did help me for a long while. That was also a time that I was willing to confront my trauma and subsequent emotions head on.
I bought this new planner today. I bought it because it reminded me of a time that I’ve been ignoring. I also had one of those soul shattering, aura cleansing cries after I got home.
In July 2015, I was sexually assaulted in my home…. I cannot keep thinking about it without thinking about it. I have to get on with the matter of healing.
She Writes 